Should I Leave? Third Poem of the year

Look at sensible Emma
they say to my closed door
as I sit here with my arms stinging from fresh cuts

If only they knew the truth

of the agony I hold in my mind

the anger and the hurt

Nails into the top

knife into the bottom

six months clean I was

my mind got the better of me

I hate feeling like this

I hate being like this

the stinging is making me ill

and yet I tell no one

no one notices

or even bothers to ask

I didn't realise how good I was

at hiding all my pain

unless no one cares enough

I know I am loved

I know I am wanted

but all I can think about

is how I feel like I'm not family

I feel like I don't belong here

I literally imagined myself dying today

and wondered how long

people would notice I'm gone

they would be annoyed

that nothing has been done

then feel guilty later

Can I destroy my family

and friends like that though?

I don't think I could do it

I'd go right into shock

How many people

would call me selfish?

How many would not understand?

That life simply wasn't good enough

to keep this magpie breathing.

I just feel so alone.

15/02/2018  (c)

Second Poem of the Year

This Poem Has No Title

I never loved your mother
and I never wanted you.
I know now you didn't mean it.
But did you stop to think of the consequences of saying it?

Every time I break up with someone

all I tell myself is

my father never wanted me

so why would anyone else?

Every time I got upset or felt down

that was the first thing that came to my mind.

If you never loved her,

Why did you marry her?

If you never wanted me,

Why did you make me?

I know now you didn't mean it.

But with everything that was happening

back then

I was crushed

I felt worthless

I cried till I cut

I cut till I cried

all the time repeating

If my father never wanted me

why would anyone else?

People don't understand how much

a string of words can affect me.

Just a sudden burst of angry words,

can literally destroy me.

I Know that I am Loved

I tell myself every day.

You are loved when you feel alone,

for all the hate that Taylor gets

you don't understand how much Taylor's words

have saved my life.

I Am Loved

I Am Wanted

Even when I feel alone

Even when everyone leaves

God has a plan for me.

Emma Sinclair 27/1/18 (c)

 

Sucidal Thoughts - Written instead of cutting

They haunt me,
telling me I'm not good enough,
telling me I'm not wanted.
That I won't be missed.

I haven't scarred my arms,

so far this year.

But the voice is there

taunting me.

I find it so hard,

not to give in to the thoughts.

I don't want to die,

but I'm suicidal.

I want to leave,

and run far away,

run away from my problems,

just like I've always done.

I'm not wanted here,

I'm just a burden,

a failure,

unwanted treasure.

I am wanted elsewhere though,

my voices are Wrong,

I Am Loved,

I Am Wanted,

I Belong Alive,

I Shouldn't die,

but I want to.

At least in death I can't fail,

although I'd fail life.

I Have Dreams,

I Want my Own Family,

I Want Children,

I Want a Husband,

I Want a Life.

I wish the voices would go away,

I Don't want them to stay.

I haven't cut since last year,

I've been Happy.

And yet I feel so far away.

I promise I will never end it,

I am afraid of never seeing those dreams.

I am afraid of the pain of death.

(c) Emma Sinclair 23/01/2018

Short Stories of Starting Conversations

I went to a class type thing to help me learn how to keep conversations going as I have a lot of trouble sometimes when it comes to talking with strangers and expressing my feelings. A exercise they used to help me was writing short stories as they knew how much I enjoyed to write; they also discovered I express myself more in written word than in spoken word as I was less afraid in what to say and you can take back what is said.

I wrote five short stories during this time and wish to share them with you 

Memories of Love

It seemed like long ago, you were only next to me.

But when you came over and said to we weren't meant to be.

I knew at once you were dying from the flow of love.

And that you will soon be rising up to the above.

I watch the flow of flowers pushing through your heart.

And not even the powers could force us apart.

We go running through the sunset that forms the love of light.

And never could we reset your eyes that were once so bright.

And in a few days you said you may be dead.

But really in a few days you said "it's in my head"

You had a talk of dying.

That left us all crying.

And on that Thursday we all broke.

Because when shaken you never awoke.

It's been a year now and I still feel your presence.

You can hear all our thoughts and feelings.

And you gave us memories of love.

Way before you went above.

Emma Sinclair - Reynish 11/11/2007

Poem of Love

This is a poem I wrote quite a few years ago 

I'm strangled by you with thorns of love,

The angels sing of love from above.

The delicate skin is touched of flowers,

For the greatness of love has its own powers.

The whispers of women of their hearts desire,

The crumbling of ashes that escape the fire.

The love that trembles through the veins, 

The blood then scrambles for there is no pain.

Water streams with rivers of mourning,

The droplets spill and rain in meaning.

The cobwebs blow where peace is laying,

The way we're afraid of lives dying.

And so I say goodbye to all who are left here crying.

Emma Louise Sinclair Reynish 12/9/09